Being Mom

Mommy...the word itself conjures up so much emotion, everyone of us has had or has a Mom, possibly even are a Mom, planning on being or simply just enjoying the gift of life our Moms gave to us.  Its that time here in the UK when we remember our Mommy's. For some it might be mothers not with us anymore so it might be a time of sadness, it could be a time of forgiveness or even anger.  For some it could be their fist Mothering Sunday as a Mommy themselves.  What ever your situation the word 'Mother' is a powerful word capable of stirring up immense feelings.  So as I wrap up my Mothers Day gifts and bake my Mom a cake I mull over the meaning of the world 'Mother' and all it means to me...
I have two Mommies and I am a Mommy to two fabulous (if not a little cheeky) children.  I am adopted, I have previously mentioned this before, usually around Mothering Sunday and my Birthday.  I am a lucky girl, I was adopted as a little baby.  However the emotions that I have carried around with me all my life have had a big impact on who I am and how I do things. Before I had my own children I was deeply sad about the fact that I was an unwanted child, I was angry and felt rejected and somewhat lost in life.  I am ashamed to say I took this out sometimes on my adopted Mommy, I always felt I was second choice, second best, better than nothing.  I went through my life seeking approval, it seemed important to be part of a group BUT somehow I never fitted in.
If I thought I would get rejected I would run away before someone had a chance to hurt me, I could not face the familiar feeling of rejection.  It sounds depressing and all rather pathetic. It changed, so completely when I became pregnant with my own child, as I felt my own baby move within me, a life I had created and I wanted with all my heart, a child no matter what, I could never give up.  It made me realise a very important fact...My birth Mommy gave me the greatest gift of all, she gave me my life, she set me free and placed me in the arms of a family that raised me and loved me, kept me warm, healthy and taught me to be a good person.  The anger turned into compassion and love, I no longer wanted or needed to do everything on my own I actually wanted to find this person and tell them how thankful I was for the the precious gift they selflessly gave to me.
As for my adopted Mom, my Mom, well we are not all perfect and we all do things differently, and the roles are starting to turn around now, its my turn to look after my Mom. We mother very differently, my Mom often disagrees with my ways and is not afraid to say so. I know she says all this out of love,  I am a little too kooky for her, a little too involved in my community and I am a little too affectionate for her to be completely comfortable around me. However when I remind her she raised me, she is who I learnt from, how she would sit in the evening and brush my hair for hours, she smiles at me, its a special smile a smile between a mother and a daughter who despite the fact that we do not share the same blood, we have a bond that ties us together. A life time of history between us.
Once I took all these facts on board, I realised that who I was and what I did was not the result of my past but a learning curve that will probably never stop. When I look at my children and think of how I mother, I too smile, I think life and its gifts are amazing. My children ground me, they love me without question, there is a look in their eyes a special something that tells me without doubt that they love me, they accept me for who I am, faults and failings included, a look that I have never seen in any ones eyes before.  It amazes me, it takes my breath away and I know these little people are MY CHILDREN.
So now I accept who I am, I do not feel a need to be involved or accepted, especially if it means I have to compromise on being 'me', I don't really care if I am a little kooky, a little different, because that is who I am.  I am a creative soul, I believe in what we put into our lives is what we get out of them, and this is the best thing I feel I can teach my children as a Mother.  Yes the rejection theory still stays me.  I know its an adoptive thing and it will  stay with me till my grave, but I do not run away now, I try not let it stop me in my life.  I have a beautiful family, I have two Mommies, I am loved.  Yes being a Mom conjures up so many emotions and I thank my Mommies with all my heart for all they have done for me.  As for my Mom I just want to say (even though she does not read my blog)  I LOVE YOU thank you for picking me............................................... So if you can make a Mom feel better this weekend, go right ahead and do it, you might be surprised how good it makes you feel.

Thank you for all the thoughtful birthday comments and emails, the children and I read each and every one of them and I thank you from my heart.  We had a beautiful fun filled few days with many happy memories, especially time shared on the beach.  (see last photograph). Thank you