Monday, 11 June 2007

Ups and downs (emotional witter-you have been warned)

Before I witter on I wanted to say a big thank you to all of you that left a comment. I am still at the amazed stage of blogging that people actually read this and more importantly take time out of your own busy crafting time to leave a comment. I thank you, you guys make me smile. So a week since the holiday and the tearful mood has not left me, its Monday now and I have finally worked out why, I will explain later on...So when I had one of those moments, the kind when you think all is right with the world and your so happy to be alive, it felt good. On Friday I was planning on inviting a couple of friends for lunch, one of my friends is very tidy, I am not, before we go to her house, which is a lovely house I must add, she cleans it for us. This is so nice, but I feel I should return this and clean and tidy up pre a visit here. Now I do not get this amount of 'making and playing' done without something being missed out... and that's HOUSEWORK!!! My moto is...
Clean enough to be health and dirty enough to be happy
So I was in the middle of numerous projects, gardening and playing with my youngest...I just did not feel like doing the cleaning for a visit. This makes me so sad, I would love not feel like this and most of the time I don't, but this day I decided to isolate myself. After school I went to the library and got a ton of books out, the children asked to go to the park, it was dinner time , but so sunny and no one was there so I thought 'What the hell'...

Our park is in the valley with the most spectacular scenery, all very green and beautiful blue skies with Simpson clouds. I had picked up the latest Debbie Bliss knitting book and I sat on the grass and all three of us just read our books. When the boys did go off to play I watched them. This amazing feeling of peace and contentment swept over me. The view, my children and the solitude. OK we had a late supper followed by a late bedtime, it was so worth it. Once the house was put back into some order I felt the need to sew. I finally cut into this lovely fabric. I had planned on something really special for it, I am now seeing this fabric pop up all over the place so it does not feel as special, I pulled out the cutters...One project finished. I especially love my IPOD pocket inside. Also the straps are long enough to go over my shoulder. My summer bag. Saturday was a lazy day, in the morning my children watched a movie, Just because they wanted popcorn, my little poppets had made the living room into a cinema, including all the other viewers...DO you recognise any of the viewers?
Finally on to the tears, When I was away I met up with some of the school gate Moms and their children and we went to a Farm. One of our friends is rather ill, she has had an ongoing Battle with Breast Cancer, once been given the all clear and then diagnosed again, since then it has spread quite viciously around her body. She has amazing spirit and had touched so many people with her strength. Anyway she was staying up for the week with one of my friends and had gone back for treatment for the day and we all had the pleasure of having her children play for the day (her children are a delight). I spent some time talking to one of my friends about this nasty disease and shared the personal story of the last twenty four hours of my fathers life. It was unemotional at the time, it was about facts not emotion. So I returned home and carried on and tried to get into the grove of the day to day rhythm of my life, it never really happened and its been a funny week. After a visit to my home to see my own Mom, always emotional for various reasons which I want go into. There was a flower in the garden which my Mom commented on was my Dads rose, I pulled out my camera and took the picture. This then opened up a conversation about my Mom wanting the camera back. It was my Dads, we spent many hours discussing photography and it is the thing he has passed on to me. To use his camera daily to take a picture knowing his hands had held it means so much. I know my Mom just wants to have it for emotional reasons and who could blame her. But it will not get used and this saddens me. When I came home later in the evening the tears rolled down my face, I miss my Dad.

If your still reading your doing well. This is not a post for sympathy, its a good post for me as its out there now, I now know why I have been emotional and that's OK. I try not to think about my Dad then suddenly it just hits me. The tears do help and the photography...well thanks Dad you taught me well.

Need to dash...the piggies are off to the vets to be sexed...frisky activity going on last night and I think they actually might be a Charlie and a Lola, although the frisky one is actually Lola, Oh the joys.


Alison said...

It is amazing when things that we thought were delt with suddenly raise their heads again. I always feel it is good to have a good cry when this happens and try and let some of the emotion out. It is a bit like a cup over flowing ...the water has to go somewhere.
I'm not sure I making much sense but sufice to say I thinking of you.
Take care
Alison x

Isobel said...

I know how you feel. I also don't have my dad (and my mother) alive anymore but sometimes the absence of them still hits like a massive rock.
A good cry always help a bit.

Primrose Hill said...

A good cry always helps, and getting it down on paper (or screen!) is a great help too - so I find anyway.
My dad is battling cancer at the moment, it's hard being strong for him and my mum, but I'm the oldest and have to be there for them. A good cry on the way home always helps!
Do let us know how you get on with piggies, we're hoping to get some soon, all advice would be much appreciated!
L x

sarah said...

I wanted to much to console you, but then I got to the part about the frisky piggies and all I can do is laugh and laugh. Because sometimes, laughter is a good as a good cry!

paper-and-string said...

if it turns out that you have a boy and a girl piggie i have a good home here for some baby piggies :-) and good for you, let it all out it can only help! and the camera? give it to your mum and buy a new one ... otherwise you will feel bad every time you use it, what your dad taught you you have learnt, it's not attached to his camera. xxx

anne bebbington said...

The hardest thing about being bereaved is not the anniversaries and christmases etc - you steel yourself in advance and they are seldom quite as bad as you anticipate. It's the strangest things that pop their heads up unexpectedly - smells, songs, sights, old belongings rediscovered or uncovered, the persons belongings getting broken or lost. I hope you can come to an agreement with your mum about the camera - she will obviously need to have all his possessions around her but they won't bring him back and you will gain much from being able to press the self-same button he did when taking your pictures. There is no easy answer except be gentle on yourself. When I was widowed I read in an anthology by Cruse: 'I will not insult you by telling you that you will forget, just that in time you will remember less fiercely, and I pray that that time will be soon' This is the best anyone can hope for and I hope it is soon for you Suzy ((Hugs))

blueberry hill said...

Sorry you've had a sad day. It's good to remember of course but can be hard too. Overwhelming at times.
A good sob and a pot of tea can help.

Take care.

Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

I hope you're feeling better. Sometimes you just gotta go with it, experience it and move on.

I am so with you on the "clean house" thing. I too am busy with school activities for my son, teaching my own classes, playing with him, etc..... But I have a mother in law and sister inlaw that must be obsessive compulsive about their homes. Of course my MIL never misses a chance to tell me how perfect my SILs home is. Really gets under my skin sometimes because as least my home is decorated! :) My SILs looks like a hotel lobby. :)

Caroline said...

I totally agree with what "Paper and string" has said - and looking at your photos, your Dad obviously taught you well. Sending you a big cyber-hug too,
Caroline xx

capello said...

hmmm... well, you know what they say about bunnies.

missing a parent sucks.

Jo said...

I think the whole 'time healing' thing is really about learning to live with the pain, it doesn't go away we just get used to it. But sometimes the little things can make us cry, I'm crying now missing my Mum, it's been 10 years but recently I've been feeling her loss. I think it's connected to my children growing up and regretting what she is missing. Crying is good, keep taking photos and remembering. x

Ragged Roses said...

Sorry to hear how you're feeling. My mum died just weeks after my first child was born and although it is a long time now it still feels very raw, so I understand completely just how things can trigger those emotions off. Thinking of you
Kim x

Kylie said...

Thankyou for your post - I am feeling a little like you at the moment and am trying to be strong - Maybe a good cry will do me good. i am usually such a sook so me being half strong and together is surprising my DH.

Thankyou and I love your photos - what a lovely memory of your dad that you have everyday.