boys will be boys...

With all the talk recently about mothers it has made me think a lot about my little family.  I am a Mom to two active boys.  Now there is nothing unusual about that you might think... but being a bit of a girlie girl I really notice how boyish my guys are...  All around my home their personality creeps in...The girliest room in my home has to be my sewing room, all the pretty fabric and thread, lots of floral fabrics and many textures and textiles... but as I sit at my sewing machine I look up to my cupboard and there is the boys pirate flag left over from a weekend play date when my gorgeous sewing room was transported by imagination in to a pirate ship landing on a island to find buried treasure... 
I sat this morning to write my post and there on my Mac book is a little interpretation of Indiana Jones as if he was saying  'Go on Mom...if you think your hard enough'
The children being close means buying things for my guys is easy, usually what one wants the other one does to, so its usually safer to buy things in pairs...
Being of the beach liking kinda family our beach equipment is usually all over the place, even in the winter, a pile of wetsuits waiting to be tossed into the back of the car for a day playing in the sea...
I am not trying to stereotype here, my boys are creative little souls and they both lean in different directions when it comes to what they like and dis like, It has been known for the boys to sit at my sewing machine and produce their own little bits of art, of course drawing is a daily occurrence in the house, we have pots of pens and paper in most of the rooms.  Of course we have the musical side to... with guitar and violin lessons weekly and practice through the week it can get quite loud some days.
Some days its so easy to be with my boys, they love a disco in the evening, only they are not swishy or swirly like me and they do not sing in to a microphone.  No they leap off the the sofa or chairs swaying their heads rather violently from side to side and up and down with air guitar in hand. But some days I get a little lost as my female ways are completely lost on them...I smile at the way they think burping and farting are just the funniest things in the world, how no matter how many times I ask them not to play rough they always end up playing Cow Boys and Indians, with one of them playing dead in the most dramatic and gory way possible.  How when we go into the garden they want to dig it all up rather than plant pretty flowers. 
When they say 'Mommy will you play a game' I have an idea of nice things not Star Wars or Ben Ten...How their favourite toy  LEGO is all over the house, from the proudly built trucks that sit like ornaments around the house to the Lego man that falls into my candle lite bath in the evening, or the bit I crunch under foot as we rush out the door for the school run...
The mess that seems to lie in the wake of these two little people never stops amazing me... the bedside desk with ever possible need catered for, a midnight snack or a mammoth night reading under the covers with your head torch to the all important trading cards ready for swapping with play dates.
The endless piles of stuff I pick up every day, the toilets that need to be flushed, the plates hidden under the sofa...
Is this the reality of little boys, is this really my poor mothering techniques... what ever it is, I could not be more proud of these little characters  and all their quirky ways...  So if you have boys or girls or may be your blessed with both... do you scream at them to tidy up, put away, keep clean, do this do not do that.... or do you look at the house when they have gone and enjoy the feeling that they played, they left their mark and tomorrow if your lucky it will happen all over again...

Show and Tell on the crafting front for my next post...

Being Mom

Mommy...the word itself conjures up so much emotion, everyone of us has had or has a Mom, possibly even are a Mom, planning on being or simply just enjoying the gift of life our Moms gave to us.  Its that time here in the UK when we remember our Mommy's. For some it might be mothers not with us anymore so it might be a time of sadness, it could be a time of forgiveness or even anger.  For some it could be their fist Mothering Sunday as a Mommy themselves.  What ever your situation the word 'Mother' is a powerful word capable of stirring up immense feelings.  So as I wrap up my Mothers Day gifts and bake my Mom a cake I mull over the meaning of the world 'Mother' and all it means to me...
I have two Mommies and I am a Mommy to two fabulous (if not a little cheeky) children.  I am adopted, I have previously mentioned this before, usually around Mothering Sunday and my Birthday.  I am a lucky girl, I was adopted as a little baby.  However the emotions that I have carried around with me all my life have had a big impact on who I am and how I do things. Before I had my own children I was deeply sad about the fact that I was an unwanted child, I was angry and felt rejected and somewhat lost in life.  I am ashamed to say I took this out sometimes on my adopted Mommy, I always felt I was second choice, second best, better than nothing.  I went through my life seeking approval, it seemed important to be part of a group BUT somehow I never fitted in.
If I thought I would get rejected I would run away before someone had a chance to hurt me, I could not face the familiar feeling of rejection.  It sounds depressing and all rather pathetic. It changed, so completely when I became pregnant with my own child, as I felt my own baby move within me, a life I had created and I wanted with all my heart, a child no matter what, I could never give up.  It made me realise a very important fact...My birth Mommy gave me the greatest gift of all, she gave me my life, she set me free and placed me in the arms of a family that raised me and loved me, kept me warm, healthy and taught me to be a good person.  The anger turned into compassion and love, I no longer wanted or needed to do everything on my own I actually wanted to find this person and tell them how thankful I was for the the precious gift they selflessly gave to me.
As for my adopted Mom, my Mom, well we are not all perfect and we all do things differently, and the roles are starting to turn around now, its my turn to look after my Mom. We mother very differently, my Mom often disagrees with my ways and is not afraid to say so. I know she says all this out of love,  I am a little too kooky for her, a little too involved in my community and I am a little too affectionate for her to be completely comfortable around me. However when I remind her she raised me, she is who I learnt from, how she would sit in the evening and brush my hair for hours, she smiles at me, its a special smile a smile between a mother and a daughter who despite the fact that we do not share the same blood, we have a bond that ties us together. A life time of history between us.
Once I took all these facts on board, I realised that who I was and what I did was not the result of my past but a learning curve that will probably never stop. When I look at my children and think of how I mother, I too smile, I think life and its gifts are amazing. My children ground me, they love me without question, there is a look in their eyes a special something that tells me without doubt that they love me, they accept me for who I am, faults and failings included, a look that I have never seen in any ones eyes before.  It amazes me, it takes my breath away and I know these little people are MY CHILDREN.
So now I accept who I am, I do not feel a need to be involved or accepted, especially if it means I have to compromise on being 'me', I don't really care if I am a little kooky, a little different, because that is who I am.  I am a creative soul, I believe in what we put into our lives is what we get out of them, and this is the best thing I feel I can teach my children as a Mother.  Yes the rejection theory still stays me.  I know its an adoptive thing and it will  stay with me till my grave, but I do not run away now, I try not let it stop me in my life.  I have a beautiful family, I have two Mommies, I am loved.  Yes being a Mom conjures up so many emotions and I thank my Mommies with all my heart for all they have done for me.  As for my Mom I just want to say (even though she does not read my blog)  I LOVE YOU thank you for picking me............................................... So if you can make a Mom feel better this weekend, go right ahead and do it, you might be surprised how good it makes you feel.

Thank you for all the thoughtful birthday comments and emails, the children and I read each and every one of them and I thank you from my heart.  We had a beautiful fun filled few days with many happy memories, especially time shared on the beach.  (see last photograph). Thank you

Happy Birthday

SO I am taking a couple of days away from blog land.  Official days because I am aware I have not been as regular in my posting as I would like... sometimes life just takes over...It's that time of year, the time of year I think about the best gift in the world to me, becoming a mother, not once but twice.  My children's birthdays are a day and two minutes apart, oh yes and a few years.....Its an exciting time, lots of giddiness in the home, and counting down the sleeps to the birthday celebrations....Hiding parcels, pretty paper for wrapping, baking and sewing up a storm....
It is also a time of great reflection, a bitter sweet time as I mark the passing of the years as I watch my babies grow up in their own individual ways.  How blessed I am to have such great guys that really are the best of friends and long may it continue.

Its right that I mention my children in my blog for if it was not for these two little people this creative side of mine would not have been revealed.  They are my inspiration, the very reason I get up in the morning, they fill my heart with such joy, the overwhelming feeling of love for them just takes my breath away.  I made these two little people, I grew them within my body, I gave birth to them in to this world of ours, I nurtured them with my milk, I taught them to walk and talk. They are individuals with distinct characters of there own.  Yes birthdays are a time for reflection, connection and awe inspiring amazement.... 

Happy Birthday my guys... in my humble opinion you are the BEST!!!

Do you have a place....

Do you have a place?  A place in your mind, a place that you can easily slip off to.  A place that nurtures your soul when times are hard, a place you can go to when the world gets a little too much, a happy place filled with warmth, or simply a place that your mind drifts off to when fall asleep.My happy place for the last decade has been a moment in my life, a happy moment, I remember actually picking the place, taking in the sights, sounds and smells of that moment.  I knew it would stay with me for a while.  

I was sat late on a summers afternoon (September 1996), just before the evening drew near, I could feel the suns rays kissing my skin, my feet dipping and swishing in the cooling swimming pool water, I was sat under a palm tree, the sound of the sea right behind me filled the air, I looked at a beautiful old plantation styled house, no one else was around me except for a fellow traveller reading quietly under the protective shade of a tree... yes this was my place and over the last decade I have visited it in my head many many times.

NOT ANYMORE... I have a new place and maybe after over ten years its time for a change.  My week away with the children was amazing, it was filled with laughter, walks, seaside, sharing food, long conversations and swimming, but most of all just relaxing with the two most important people in the world to me... my guys. One early evening we were driving back from a day of 'doing and seeing' we diverted off the track a little to check out a pretty place... we watched the sky change right there before our eyes.  We abandoned the car on a dirt track and ran up the hill... three pairs of eyes watched in silence as the sky played out its mystery to us. Never in my life have I seen such a sight, this marshmallow sky put on such a display of colour it touched our very souls.  I looked at my children's faces and I knew they shared this moment with me.

Yes I have a place, a special place filled with  the beauty of nature, a place to remind me of 'The Big Picture' and no matter were I am in life or what I am doing or feeling, there is beauty and love all around...

   

A winters tale...

Baby its cold outside...I was pulled out of bed yesterday by my two very excited little people...Mommy its snowed...So before it was 7.30am we pulled our boots and mittens on over our PJs and in the dark a snow man was built... We rushed around to get ready for school, as the car was snowed in, it was a crunchy, chilly walk to school.I remembered to throw my point and shot camera in my pocket so took a few snaps whilst I tried to miss being hit by snowballs. So this was our walk to school and back again as school was closed...So it was a day spent playing in the snow with warm up breaks of Hot Chocolate and marshmallows another play and then settling down to a movie with some popcorn, the blinds shut as we pretended to be at the pictures...One last play in the snow before bedtime then a deep hot bubbly bath to warm up our bodies before we curled up for a bedtime story. Happy children!
So a distinct lack of blogging from me at present, I thank you for the personal emails, a lot is changing around here at the moment, it is a huge transitional period for my family, I thank you for staying around and I apologise for the infrequent posting... with this change I find myself reflecting, listening to a whole different selection of music, and having good and not so good days. I guess I am changing also, maybe its just the next stage in life...I have a lot of planning and thinking and re thinking to do. The most important thing to me through it all is stability... My children ground me, they keep life flowing, moving on and seeing things through their eyes makes the world we live in an amazing place...So today at breakfast I was reading through a few story books for them and I came across this poem that I had squirrelled away in one of the books a while ago...it moved me to tears...I shall share it with you...
Before I was a Mom. I made hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quite conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom. I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got out of bed. I brushed my hair and teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom. I cleaned my house everyday. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies. Before I was a Mom. I didn't worry whether the plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom. I had never been puked on, pooped on, sat on, chewed on, peed on or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom. I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, my body,and my life. I slept at night.
Before I was a Mom. I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried so hard. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a child sleeping.

Before I was a Mom. I never held a baby sleeping just because I did not want to put them down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could effect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone this much.

I never knew I would LOVE being a MOM.
Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between Mother and Child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom. I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every ten minutes to make sure all was OK. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the fulfilment and satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a MOM.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just have the poem, I do not even know who wrote it or how I came to have kept it... But it sums up my emotions about being a MOM. I promise some usual 'Suzie Sews' stuff soon, its a work in process at the moment...

Photographs.... various pictures of snow and children throughout the snowy day, and of course Archie the bunny who loved the company of the children playing...

Thinking of my Dad...

I have just spent over an hour writing an emotional post about feeling low and realising it was because I am coming up to the anniversary of my Dads passing...  I wrote the post with honesty and all from the heart, I cried and wrote things I have never shared with another person... events of the run up to the sad day and how knitting through it all kept me sane, about the almost comic way people acted and behaved around this time.  Most of all though I wrote about the pain of missing my Dad and how my Mom has never actually acknowledged that I lost my Dad... The funny thing was the post never saved and I am just not able to write it all again without more tears...  So I will accept that things beyond my control for what ever reason choose for this post not to go out there and normal Suzie Sews show and tell will resume on my next post.

Thinking out loud

Thinking out loud...yes, there has been a lot of this of late...what am I doing, what direction do I want to go in, what do I want to achieve??? I have spent my whole life trying to live out someones else's dream, to be the person they want me to be, well I am a big girl now and its time to take responsibility...MY WAY!!!The holidays are going so well, I am seeing very little of anyone its just the children and I, we are having a fab time, lots of lazy morning and walks along wild windy beaches with a fabulous day in the sunshine thrown in every so often...once the babes are in bed, a glass of wine waiting and the needles clicking nicely in my hands...well I have been thinking. With no Internet and no phone line for most of the time whilst I am away at the beach I have really been thinking about the direction I am going, especially when it comes to my blog, sewing and knitting.

May be its just me but, blogging seems to be more of a marketing tool now, a platform to self promote, to sell your creative work or if your really lucky may be even write a book.  This is an amazing community we are all involved in and I think we are all different and that is the very thing that makes it work so well.  So why do I feel intimidated?  I do not promote my stuff, sure I get a few great orders from my blog, which helps support the fibre and fabric addiction, but I blog to simply keep a record, a place to store my pictures in a more creative way than just in a computer file, a place I connect to other people and stop feeling so isolated because I have this NEED to make things.  There is no chance of a book deal coming my way...some of my own close friends will not read my blog due to my dyslexic meanderings.  I read (or listened to) an interview a while ago with a rather well known blogger who said if she thought other Moms felt they did not live up to the expectation of motherhood and all the crafting it would be upsetting and not what she intended.  So what direction am I going in? Do I let all this stuff fuddle up my brain? Do I stop blogging all together? Do I make a plan...my creative endeavours do seem to have a market so do I open a shop?   May be this is all part of the journey, may be you have been through this thought process...I am working on a few 'NEW' ideas including some drawing and I have even been approached about an  exhibition of my photo's and some crafting for an arts festival...but my mothering is the most important thing to me at the moment and with the children at home it seems wrong to go take my attentions away from them...after all they will not be little poppets for ever, being with my children is what sets me free from todays world to be creative, its not for everyone BUT it is for me! SO the thinking cap remains ON and as it seems to be summer vacation time in blogland I intend to use this time to find my direction which still might remain to just carry on as I am doing...who knows?

Still reading, you deserve a medal and my personal thanks for your loyalty...

 
So on to something a little less serious...The crafting is taking the form of mostly knitting, its the most portable, lots of small things, a shrug, socks (half way through my next pair...funky colours), a scarf that sort of thing, not to mention more of those cup cakes, I am struggling to keep up with demand for these...I can take it no longer...I have to sew...so on my next little break with my kids the sewing machine is coming with me and I might just work on a few patterns I have in mind...

Edited to add...

Please note that in no way is this post about upsetting anyone, we are all different doing our own thing... 

So I feel the need for a summer giveaway...this will be  on my next post...  

Being Mom...

Being a Mom is something I think about everyday it really is a gift...I love my role as Mommy and as someone who has drifted from one job to the next I have finally found something I love doing and I hope I do not assume to much here...but feel I am good at... So with Mothers day this weekend I am going through my usual thought processes of having a Mom and being a Mom. Well in fact having two Moms, being adopted throws up some funny thoughts around times like Birthdays and Mothers Day. I wounder if my birth Mom thinks of me, I know my Mom does, she has already been on the phone making sure I remember to send her a card...which was entertaining as I had just fought my way through rush hour traffic with the children to get to town for a little something for Mothers day for her.

Becoming a Mom completely turned all my emotions about adoption on its head...if I am honest some of those feelings are still rolling around my head having not found the right home for them...I mother with a passion and I can not think of anyone I want to spend time with more than my children, sure they drive me up the wall at times...I am human after all...but there is a tighter bond there than I could have ever thought possible...the thought that these two little pickles of mine really are a part of me...conceived and grown in my body, brought into this world where I continued to feed, nurture, love, teach and take care of them...it just blows my mind. Could I have given them up like I was given up...well without knowing all the details I have no right to make a judgement and as I will never know the whole story, it is one of those things I will just have to accept. I have no roots, I never feel like I belong and yet someone I never met loved me enough to carry me and bring me in to the world and made sure I was taken care off...It might be a different Mothers Love to how I love...BUT it is LOVE...DO I look like her? Do I have a sister or a brother? Did she marry? Does she think of me? Are there health issues I should know about? So many unanswered question's. A Mothers Love...IT has so many meanings and possibilities.

If your a MOM I wish you a special Mothers day...Remember though its not the size of the gift you get on Mothers Day its the Love and thought put into it. Give your babes a cuddle (no matter how big or small they are) and hold them tight and never let them out of your heart...