Being Mom

Mommy...the word itself conjures up so much emotion, everyone of us has had or has a Mom, possibly even are a Mom, planning on being or simply just enjoying the gift of life our Moms gave to us.  Its that time here in the UK when we remember our Mommy's. For some it might be mothers not with us anymore so it might be a time of sadness, it could be a time of forgiveness or even anger.  For some it could be their fist Mothering Sunday as a Mommy themselves.  What ever your situation the word 'Mother' is a powerful word capable of stirring up immense feelings.  So as I wrap up my Mothers Day gifts and bake my Mom a cake I mull over the meaning of the world 'Mother' and all it means to me...
I have two Mommies and I am a Mommy to two fabulous (if not a little cheeky) children.  I am adopted, I have previously mentioned this before, usually around Mothering Sunday and my Birthday.  I am a lucky girl, I was adopted as a little baby.  However the emotions that I have carried around with me all my life have had a big impact on who I am and how I do things. Before I had my own children I was deeply sad about the fact that I was an unwanted child, I was angry and felt rejected and somewhat lost in life.  I am ashamed to say I took this out sometimes on my adopted Mommy, I always felt I was second choice, second best, better than nothing.  I went through my life seeking approval, it seemed important to be part of a group BUT somehow I never fitted in.
If I thought I would get rejected I would run away before someone had a chance to hurt me, I could not face the familiar feeling of rejection.  It sounds depressing and all rather pathetic. It changed, so completely when I became pregnant with my own child, as I felt my own baby move within me, a life I had created and I wanted with all my heart, a child no matter what, I could never give up.  It made me realise a very important fact...My birth Mommy gave me the greatest gift of all, she gave me my life, she set me free and placed me in the arms of a family that raised me and loved me, kept me warm, healthy and taught me to be a good person.  The anger turned into compassion and love, I no longer wanted or needed to do everything on my own I actually wanted to find this person and tell them how thankful I was for the the precious gift they selflessly gave to me.
As for my adopted Mom, my Mom, well we are not all perfect and we all do things differently, and the roles are starting to turn around now, its my turn to look after my Mom. We mother very differently, my Mom often disagrees with my ways and is not afraid to say so. I know she says all this out of love,  I am a little too kooky for her, a little too involved in my community and I am a little too affectionate for her to be completely comfortable around me. However when I remind her she raised me, she is who I learnt from, how she would sit in the evening and brush my hair for hours, she smiles at me, its a special smile a smile between a mother and a daughter who despite the fact that we do not share the same blood, we have a bond that ties us together. A life time of history between us.
Once I took all these facts on board, I realised that who I was and what I did was not the result of my past but a learning curve that will probably never stop. When I look at my children and think of how I mother, I too smile, I think life and its gifts are amazing. My children ground me, they love me without question, there is a look in their eyes a special something that tells me without doubt that they love me, they accept me for who I am, faults and failings included, a look that I have never seen in any ones eyes before.  It amazes me, it takes my breath away and I know these little people are MY CHILDREN.
So now I accept who I am, I do not feel a need to be involved or accepted, especially if it means I have to compromise on being 'me', I don't really care if I am a little kooky, a little different, because that is who I am.  I am a creative soul, I believe in what we put into our lives is what we get out of them, and this is the best thing I feel I can teach my children as a Mother.  Yes the rejection theory still stays me.  I know its an adoptive thing and it will  stay with me till my grave, but I do not run away now, I try not let it stop me in my life.  I have a beautiful family, I have two Mommies, I am loved.  Yes being a Mom conjures up so many emotions and I thank my Mommies with all my heart for all they have done for me.  As for my Mom I just want to say (even though she does not read my blog)  I LOVE YOU thank you for picking me............................................... So if you can make a Mom feel better this weekend, go right ahead and do it, you might be surprised how good it makes you feel.

Thank you for all the thoughtful birthday comments and emails, the children and I read each and every one of them and I thank you from my heart.  We had a beautiful fun filled few days with many happy memories, especially time shared on the beach.  (see last photograph). Thank you

A winters tale...

Baby its cold outside...I was pulled out of bed yesterday by my two very excited little people...Mommy its snowed...So before it was 7.30am we pulled our boots and mittens on over our PJs and in the dark a snow man was built... We rushed around to get ready for school, as the car was snowed in, it was a crunchy, chilly walk to school.I remembered to throw my point and shot camera in my pocket so took a few snaps whilst I tried to miss being hit by snowballs. So this was our walk to school and back again as school was closed...So it was a day spent playing in the snow with warm up breaks of Hot Chocolate and marshmallows another play and then settling down to a movie with some popcorn, the blinds shut as we pretended to be at the pictures...One last play in the snow before bedtime then a deep hot bubbly bath to warm up our bodies before we curled up for a bedtime story. Happy children!
So a distinct lack of blogging from me at present, I thank you for the personal emails, a lot is changing around here at the moment, it is a huge transitional period for my family, I thank you for staying around and I apologise for the infrequent posting... with this change I find myself reflecting, listening to a whole different selection of music, and having good and not so good days. I guess I am changing also, maybe its just the next stage in life...I have a lot of planning and thinking and re thinking to do. The most important thing to me through it all is stability... My children ground me, they keep life flowing, moving on and seeing things through their eyes makes the world we live in an amazing place...So today at breakfast I was reading through a few story books for them and I came across this poem that I had squirrelled away in one of the books a while ago...it moved me to tears...I shall share it with you...
Before I was a Mom. I made hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quite conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom. I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got out of bed. I brushed my hair and teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom. I cleaned my house everyday. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies. Before I was a Mom. I didn't worry whether the plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom. I had never been puked on, pooped on, sat on, chewed on, peed on or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom. I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, my body,and my life. I slept at night.
Before I was a Mom. I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried so hard. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a child sleeping.

Before I was a Mom. I never held a baby sleeping just because I did not want to put them down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could effect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone this much.

I never knew I would LOVE being a MOM.
Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between Mother and Child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom. I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every ten minutes to make sure all was OK. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the fulfilment and satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a MOM.

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I just have the poem, I do not even know who wrote it or how I came to have kept it... But it sums up my emotions about being a MOM. I promise some usual 'Suzie Sews' stuff soon, its a work in process at the moment...

Photographs.... various pictures of snow and children throughout the snowy day, and of course Archie the bunny who loved the company of the children playing...

Summer sun... long may it last...

The summer holidays are about half way through now, I am enjoying every minute of it and for the first time in ages I feel relaxed and happy and my creative vibe is well and truly in full flow...
OK, I might not have the time to actually make all the crafty goodness but the ideas are fully formed and I just need some time to put them in to being.  Once the summer holiday is over the post holidays blues will kick in, so this is when I will get my ideas and sketch books out and start the 'MAKING'...So its back to full on Mommy mode, the buckets and spades are packed, the picnic is coming together, the wine is cooling in the fridge and we are off for a couple of days by the beach...off to pack the knitting bag, will I take more sock yarn or something a little more substantial? 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Today we are loving: The Charlie and Lola craft magazine... all the cutting out, gluing and sticking, stickers and stories...

I am enjoying reading a 'new to me' blog the Simple Mom blog, I love the way this blog gets me thinking about the way I mother and how I do things...this can only be a good thing.

Good News!!!

I am overwhelmed with the comments and the emails about our little hospital trip, I thank you from the heart and they gave me great support yesterday evening as I read them when I was unable to sleep. Sleep is the first thing to go when I am worried or upset about anything!!! So we all got up early in the morning, my littlest one went for a fun day with a much loved neighbour. I made up some sandwiches for my lunch and bundled a sleepy patient into the car. We then had to face a rough trip to the hospital through traffic and road works, I do not know why I thought it would be an easy run at 7.30am!!! Anyway we got to the hospital and straight away they checked my brave little soldier's temperature, they weighed him and started to go through the consent form, I reminded them that I need to talk to the consultant as I was querying a procedure they only mentioned at the pre operation assessment. Good timing as the consultant walked in, as we chatted my little one had his hands prepared for the butterfly needle (cannula) I watched as his nerves started to come to the surface. To cut along story short...the consultant and I made the decision to delay the operation until the start of the new school year to maximise on the outcome/benefits, he agreed that the extra procedure was not a priority and could be looked into next time. With relief my little brave guy was given some toast (after fasting) and had the medical 'stuff' removed and we where sent on our way with an appointment for later in the year...

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Both of us are now out of sorts, relieved, but after the build up we are both rather knocked for six. We tried to make the most of the day together, we visited an exhibition we both wanted to see...but every time I looked at him he looked so tired and generally he 'slumped'...very odd to see in a little guy who usually bounces around, we agreed we should just go home and have a snuggle on the sofa and go to bed early with a favourite story book...

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Well it was an adventure, not a good one, I am glad it all over for now and I really do thank you for all your kind words of support...Yes each and every one of them...THANK YOU!!!

So tomorrow we return to normal...Horrah!!!